We Have a Choice

Does anyone else have a mind that goes full speed ahead at all times that it makes you feel insane?

That's me.

It takes a conscious effort to be present in a moment. I've caught myself half listening to people while my mind is racing and the next thing I know I'm back in my body and have no idea what the person said. I've gotten real convincing using the phrase, "well, whatdaya gonna do about it." Or just a simple, "absolutely!" ⬅️Works wonders👍

I've determined I'm a practicing lifer. I practice at life and it's a constant learning experience. What I've learned lately and it's a struggle at times, is that no one is in control of my own feelings but me. When I feel hurt, betrayed, let down, sad, happy, hyper, that's all me. I used to point the finger and say others made me feel a certain way, as if they have some type of power over my emotions. I'm taking the power back. 

We all struggle with pain, whether it's depression, anxiety, insecurity, or the loss of a loved one. All of which I've personally gone through on multiple occasions. The great thing about being human is we all have free will. The choice to accept and learn and ultimately grow. Or not. It's as simple as that. 

I grew up not knowing where to put these things we call "feelings." It's too much. Too big. Too overwhelming and sometimes it can make the person who appears the strongest to collapse like a building with a weak foundation. 

Once the building is in pieces on the ground you can sift through the rubble and find the source of the problem. How many times will we allow our building to collapse before we create a solid foundation? Sometimes years. Sometimes people die before they figure it out. That is the scariest thing of all.

Can one accept what has happened and let it go? I think so. But it's a choice. Do I continue this destructive path, or do I get help? 

I choose a happy life, because that's what we all deserve. It's been a crazy roller coaster ride to get to this point and I'm still learning. But for the first time ever I can honestly say, I love myself. 

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

You know what really Grinds my Gears? When I'm stuck in traffic and I'm nice enough to let people cut in front of me. I'm directing traffic and waving people in left and right, but then I don't get a 'Thank You' wave in return. I've come to expect this from the peasants driving on the 99. Then today, I let a cop squeeze in, who I fully expected to get a 'Thank You' wave from, and I got a big fat nothing! Please don't be another Jack or Cat on the road. Show a small amount of gratitude and throw a thank you wave. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what Grinds my Gears.

 You know what grinds my gears? When people leave 2 pieces of ice in the ice tray. Do you think you will actually use those 2 pieces in the future? Will those 2 pieces of ice be a sufficient amount to ensure your drink will be cold enough? Probably not. Those 2 pieces of ice will sit in that tray for weeks until someone (ME) fills it with water. And that is what really grinds my gears.

 

You know what really grinds my gears? When people park halfway in front of my driveway so I can't get out or have to squeeze by. Where do you get off? Just because you drive a BMW from CARMAX you think you can do whatever you want? Fuck you! And that, ladies & gentleman, is what grinds my gears.

Random Thoughts or Chaotic Absurdities?

Holy cow, it's already June! It just started warming up on Wednesday. In the meanwhile I have spent $150 to go tanning at a salon instead of using the free sun...great timing, idiot. 

My baby brother turned 21 last week. Let me tell you, what a goofy drunk this kid is! I absolutely love being the older sister & being able to share my silly life experiences with my younger brothers. Yet, it's those two brother who have my back no matter what. They are truly the loves of my life.

I stopped drinking alcoholic beverages completely and have resorted to continuing my crazy antics by pounding RockStars. I hope the ladies at work appreciate my humor because I'm giving them gold! It will be 2 weeks on the 14th since the last time I drank and I gotta say, it feels GREAT. I've never been one to be addicted to anything. Even when I would chain smoke, I could easily stop "cold turkey" and not think twice about it. So not drinking has been a breeze. It feels so good to NOT be hung over...I'm sure everyone at work was starting to wonder, "Who hired the zombie?" The coolest thing is knowing I can be however I want and be as silly as I want without being drunk...and then doing it.

I've been taking voice lessons since January and have joined a group that will be doing a musical production at the end of the year. I'm like a half pepperoni, half olive pizza...sizzling with excitement and slightly nervous, but I'll live. It hasn't taken me long to break down my wall of indecisiveness and apprehension that I have built over the years. It feels marvelous.

CONFIDENCE

Something everyone wants and needs. It's vital in our day to day life.
My confidence has been growing bigger and bigger the older I get. It's pretty cool actually. I've abandoned my fear of singing in front of people and now I sing like I'm on broadway in my car with people giving me the strangest looks. I dance like no one is watching throwing in as many George and Yortuk Festrunk moves as possible. I laugh as loud and as often as I can because it makes me happy and there's nothing you can do about it! Maybe it's confidence, or perhaps I just don't care what anyone else thinks...

Either way, it's pretty awesome.

Normally I'm really good at reading people. Even through a text message I can feel their energy and intuitively know how they're feeling.
Recently I've hit a roadblock. With one friend in particular...we'll call this person SR-71.

I can't read SR-71!

Like the aircraft with it's stealth design. This "Blackbird" has been resistant to my radar detection. This has forced me to undergo a strategic reconnaissance mission, in which I had to ask the question..."Hey, what are you thinking?"

WOW! Easy as pie. I wish everyone would just say what they are thinking so I don't have to figure it out. But everything that lead up to it sounded cool, right?

Moving on...

I LOVE MY JOB!
I finally got a full-time job at European Wax Center and for the first time in my life I don't dread going to work every day.
I love my co-workers. I love my clients. I love the wax and I love my paycheck.

In conclusion...

Life is truly an amazing, yet fragile thing that we take for granted. Which is why I am so thankful to be blessed with the opportunities to do the things I love and that make me happy.

Butterflies

I'm amazed that the sheer thought of you gives me butterflies.

Mmmm...

Butterflies.

One of the single most thrilling things a soul can feel.

I'm so happy they haven't disappeared.

xoxo

Ti amo

27

I wanted to write something about my Birthday, which was yesterday. But I could barely get out of bed because I had thee worst hangover. No matter how old I get I still seem to think my recovery from a night of drinking will be as it was when I was 21. Not true! Thankfully it was my Birthday so my brother made me a smoothie, Mom ordered Rick's Pizza (best NY style pizza in Lodi) & I was able to lounge the day away.

27

It's so weird to say I'm 27!
I don't feel 27.
I don't think I look 27.
I definitely don't act like most 27yr old people.
I'm not married. (Don't even have a boyfriend at the moment)
I don't have kids.
I don't have a steady job.
AND
I live at home with my Mom & bros.

Aren't you suppose to have all those things by the time you're 27?

I feel as though every time I'm on the path I should be on, I get knocked off. Life changes, drastically sometimes, and what once worked doesn't anymore. Change needs to happen. Adaptation. I can still reach my goals, but perhaps I'm having to take the long way around instead of a shortcut.

It's the easiest thing to do to go back. Go back to something familiar because it's comfy. 5yrs ago I told someone (and myself) I will never go back. I will always keep moving forward.

We only live in these bodies once, so let's make the most of it. Live life to the fullest. Take chances. Get messy. Make mistakes.
Learn.
Love.
Grow.
Laugh.
Cry.
But most of all Feel.

Feel what it feels like to be sad & embrace it. Feel what it feels like to be happy & share it. Love unconditionally & love those who don't even love you back. They'll feel it.

My Mom once told me, "When our hearts break & heal, they grow bigger for us to love more." I always remembered that & even though my heart has been in pain for a short while, I am feeling what it feels like to be sad AND I know time heals everything. I know my heart will grow to love more.
Not to say that feeling sad or depressed is a freakin' joy ride, IT'S NOT! It sucks! But if you lose sight of a brighter future, you may as well just give up.

I will NOT give up.

I am 27.
I am a kid at heart.
I am smart.
I am funny.
I am crazy.
I am passionate.
I am creative.
I am humble.
I am blessed.
I am loved.

So to wrap things up. Being 27 is awesome! I get to be exactly who I want to be & love it. I have friends & family who I love dearly & they love me back. I have my whole life ahead of me & thankfully I have my Dad & all my Guardian Angels to help guide me.

I have a lot of love to give & a lot to offer this world.

My middle name isn't LOVE for nothing.

Thanks for reading.

Bah Hum Bug

What is it about the holidays that make people completely insane?

It feels as though everyone is so caught up in the hustle & bustle of buying presents & stressing over the 2 if not 3 or 4 families they "have" to visit...they've lost sight of what the holidays are all about.

It's not about maxing out your credit card on gifts that will probably never be looked at or use again. It's not about driving from place to place visiting people you don't even like. It's most definitely not about stressing over a turkey dinner for people who don't stick around to help clean up.

It's about the magic of the holiday spirit!

But what has happened to the holiday spirit? What happened to people showing joy & love to one another?

I remember growing up & feeling the tingle & excitement of Christmas! The laughter & joy of spending time & sharing stories with loved ones.

So this year, my family & I have made a point to spend the most quality time together as possible. We all went together to choose our tree (it's a small one for a small family & house) We ran together through the lot giggling & pushing each other into the trees. When we got it home, out came the lights & our home made decorations for the past 20yrs. It was fun to reminisce about when we were kids, the fun toys we got, & the first year we didn't believe in Santa anymore. (I think I was 17) I do, however, believe in the magic & spirit of Santa to this day.

I hope everyone can look past all the craziness this year & share the magic of the holiday spirit with one another.

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Best wishes to all!

Sometimes...

Sometimes I just don't understand...

The world

The people in this world

&

The feelings that go along with those people.

Do we all just walk around "asleep" ?

So unaware of our surroundings. So unaware of our behaviors & how it effects others.

Why do we put ourselves out there? For others to judge, bully, torment & ultimately break down & destroy our soul?

Is it better to build a wall around ourselves for protection against our attackers? Or should we embrace everything as a learning experience, even if that means we must suffer temporarily.

Is it truly better to have love & lost, than to have never loved at all?

People could love & live in peace with one another.

What it boils down to is, people have baggage. Instead of dealing with it in a healthy manner, they like to bring their baggage into my house & make a mess.

So when "problems" arise, people like to use the pain & hurt from the past & throw it into the mix of the present.

There is so much unnecessary pain & suffering we cause to one another because we are so wrapped up in our own bullshit.

Some people know what they are doing & others are so oblivious or "asleep" if you will. They hurt the ones who love them because it's the easiest thing to do.

It's just not fair. But who ever said life was fair?

All we can really do is have faith & know that things happen for a reason. Know the universe will provide. Ask & you shall receive.

I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful to experience life, no matter how wonderful or not so wonderful it may seem sometimes. I am thankful for the people who have come & gone in my life. Because without them I would not be who I am today.

I am thankful.

I am blessed.

I am loved.